Fake a grand entrance!

Feeling awkward entering a restaurant solo? Here are 8 ways to feel like you’re making a grand entrance, with confidence!

One day I’d like to write a story about the reactions of people entering a public hospitality place on their own. I have often sat watching people as they step into a bar or restaurant, looking for the person or group they are due to meet inside. I’m not talking about the business environment, with solo people lining tables in front of their laptops (although that brings another social awkwardness, the ‘dare-not make-eye-contact’ phenomenon!), but I’m referring to the more casual environments, typically the Friday drinks-after-work or other social setting.

Of course there are the really confident ones, looking like they are walking into their own homes, whether it is a sheer act they are putting up (if they do it well most people are not able to tell), or whether they really are fully in charge of the situation. But then you get…

The one hovering outside, searching for her compatriots in a not-so-obvious way, busying herself with her mobile phone.

The one taking a full tour of the inside, pretending to be ever so nonchalant but with body language betraying – stiff shoulders, head facing straight ahead, eye darting around. And the complete shift in posture (relief!) when they do find their friends.

The one saying to the person at the door “I’m meeting friends”, and brushing past without explaining what the ”friends” look like, trying to limit time by the door (and in the spotlight) to not a nanosecond longer than necessary.

The guy walking in eyes surveying everything and everyone – a sort of male assessment of the “lay of the land”.

The one speaking loudly into her mobile phone (one has to wonder if they knew just how loudly, or whether it is on purpose!) “I can’t see you…where…where…oh <relieved giggle>…  I see you!” 

The one seeing someone else they know (person A), for whom they usually have zero time, and all but falling them around the neck, relieved they actually know someone. Until they find their actual companions at which point person A falls back into the abyss for them.

What often doesn’t help people who feel a bit self- conscious, whether they are meeting others or not, is the question from the door patron: “table for ….<unsure pause>… one?”

….And then the complete change once the new entrants are united with their companions inside, and THEY get to survey the people entering.

People often look and act uncomfortable when the imaginary spotlight (and it is really imaginary, because most are actually not paying attention), falls on them when they are alone, where “everyone else” (or so it seems) are in groups, having fun. Why is this? Is it because we feel vulnerable, “exposed”, when we – even if it is for a few seconds – feel we are not part of ‘the group’? Is it because somehow deep inside we can’t allow others to think we are not “belonging” – again even if it is for a few seconds? Is it an uncomfortable feeling (fear) that our friends may not have turned up without letting us know, even though we had confirmed they were going 10 minutes ago? And even if it may seem like a “little thing”, and if what I say may appear putting it down or tongue-in-cheek, I am aware that this kind of fear or self-consciousness is as real as anything.

Be that as it may, and whatever the reason, you become what you feel. So here are a few ways to feel more confident in these situations, which might help you to become more confident when you feel you are being “watched”:

  It is not about you

For the people inside it is not about how you feel or look, it is about how they are feeling (or think they are feeling). You are not in an awkward position stepping in, but the people already inside are feeling less awkward for it. For them it is about themselves. Remember this.

2       Fake it

The old adage certainly works. Study body language and behaviour of people you perceive as being confident in a public place, and practise it. Changing your physiology is a quick way to change your behaviour. It is called modelling.

3       Know that you are being envied

It is true. Amongst things people fear the most, is to feel vulnerable, hence common fear of public speaking. It is always easier to bark in a pack. Deep down they admire your guts when you dare to stand out and appear vulnerable. Again, remember this.

        Evaluate

Meet “them” on common ground. The “them” being the perceived onlookers (although they are not really looking!). You are a new distraction – whether you are viewed as “competition” to those already inside, or whether to confirm their imaginary perception of power. If you are being evaluated, evaluate back. You may as well do it now, because once you are inside, it may be downright rude. Look them squarely in the eye and think of it as an “assessment” (but do not judge!). Above all, see it as opportunity to meet new people.

         Practice

Practice makes perfect. After a while you will not even feel awkward and even if you do, it won’t look like you do. Dare to step out of your comfort zone more often. The more you can do a “little thing” such as entering a public place on your own, the better you will be equipped for the real big issues.

        Ditch the mobile phone

Or whatever it is you cling on to as an anchor to make you feel “less awkward”. Why? Because it sometimes makes you look more self-conscious (refer to examples I cited above!).

   Breathe

Trusted, trusted old breathing. Yes, ditch your mobile anchor as stated above, but use breathing as an anchor. Warning: this takes practice. We have long forgotten how to breathe properly at all, and in a stressful situation (when feeling exposed equals feeling stressed), this is usually the last thing on our minds. By constantly practicing mindfulness in other areas (including meditation), we will generally become more aware of this. And subsequently, feel less anxious.

  Smile

The clincher in every situation, as this is what everyone really needs. Be mindful of the possible reasons why a situation like this might be uncomfortable, and be aware that the others might also need a little help (even if it looks like they are comfortably united with their own packs). And once you have found you companions, return the favour to any newcomers.

And lastly, ever so often (or frequently if you wish), do not go to meet your “pack”. Be bold and do not arrange to meet someone beforehand. Just go on your own. Use it as your time, your celebration of stepping out. Remember, like in most things, the first time is the hardest. You never know…

Noticing...

I often write about being conscious and aware.  Today I want to urge you to be present for every waking moment and to notice what you notice. Allow your senses to experience a smorgasbord of delights. Try and feel every breath whilst you go about your tasks

But here's the thing...do so without attaching thoughts, opinions, judgements….

You'll hear the woman in the restaurant talking a tad too loudly, but you won't get annoyed.

You'll notice that your coffee may be slightly more bitter than yesterday but you'll explore it as a different sensation.

You might notice someone you see every day losing or gaining weight, hunching over more, with a duller look in their eyes - barely perceptible, and you'll smile just a tad warmer at them.

…The windows in need of cleaning, without trying to plan the cleaning straight away or sighing at the fact of more things to do.

…The way a pile of papers is arranged, a flower tilts its head, your car seat feels…

Noticing.

Love and light,

Celeste

Why “why not” is not good enough

“Why not” is the phrase we use when we mean we may as well try something, or do something, the implication is “it can do no harm”. No reason to do it, but no reason to not do it either.  I’m not talking about the “letting your hair down” feeling, which is both necessary and liberating, but more the sense of doing something because you can’t think of a good enough reason not to do it.

It can be healthy and liberating to do something “for the hell of it”, or “just because”. If we were to tread on eggshells all the time, only doing things that add value or aid in the process of achieving our goals or life’s purpose, it would only become another burden. Often wonderful things have ensued when we just do something “for the hell of it”.

But once we have discovered our authentic selves and get to live our lives purposefully (as it is meant to be lived), there is often a desire to do away with actions and behaviours that no longer serve us. We get to a stage where we do things because we WANT to or because it serves us, and not just “because”. And part of discovering our true self is the understanding of what drives us – our values, or our WHY’s.

The issue I have with doing something for a “why not” is that sometimes, just sometimes, we may not be totally honest about it. We may fool ourselves into believing there isn’t a reason. There is almost always a reason, even if it is doing something out of desperation. We still hope for a specific outcome; it is rarely just “because”. It may even cause us to deflect from our real drivers – our real why’s. A red herring. A detour … and deep down we know it, but do not want to admit it.

Is that a bad thing? Knowing something and just not caring to or wanting to admit it? No, probably not; not in itself. What is dangerous though, is when we pretend to or try to fool ourselves. You know the saying… we can fool some of the people some of the time, but we can’t fool all the people all the time, and I want to add - least of all ourselves!

So – “why not” may be a good enough “reason” to use on others, but it is not a good enough reason for yourself. Get down and get dead honest. Do not try to fool yourself!

Love and light,

Celeste

The best way

I was stuck in traffic the other morning - something that I am extremely grateful for not having to endure very often. I wasn’t upset or anything, I was just sitting there quietly minding my own business, listening to some audio, relaxing. But at one stage I realised this was getting ridiculous. I noticed that it took me about– oh, upwards of 30 minutes probably - to crawl a few hundred metres, maybe even less. Not kidding. Since I hardly ever drive that route, especially during peak traffic, I was wondering whether this was normal, or whether there was some incident or road works up ahead (it later turned out neither!). But then I noticed what was causing this – I was waiting at an exit off the highway – two lanes, with a long queue waiting ahead and behind me. However, many people were not prepared to wait so they were speeding past, squeezing in closer to the front. It meant the line wasn’t moving since people were continually pushing in, and as people in the line saw this, more and more of them got irate, got out of the line, sped ahead and pushed in too! To the point they were blocking one total lane on the freeway! The result was EVERYBODY (including them – as they had to beg, borrow and steal their spots!) was moving slower.

At first it made me think of a lesson in teamwork and how, if everybody were just moving at a slow pace, but MOVING, the whole line would benefit. But after a while of zero progress, it occurred to me I was sitting in a pack and other people were taking their chances. Now usually that’s me (taking the chances, not sitting in a pack) - PROVIDED it is not rude or offensive. Which the pushers-in were.  Also, I am not a timid person, so it is not about being a “walkover” for the pushers. So what could the lesson be here? I was not prepared to go with the second pack (the pushers) – and believe me at this stage they were a pack too. So I started thinking - how do I balance not getting upset, just accepting and being polite, with standing (well, driving in this case) for my rights, grabbing opportunities, moving ahead.

And that’s often a dilemma – balancing these (seemingly) opposing forces. We either have to be forceful or accepting, either the one or the other. Could this teach me (and maybe others if they will), to be accepting, yet not stagnating? To allow things, but to know where to draw the line?

Let’s rather think of balance – between what would serve us (in my case progressing), and being accommodating, or patient.  My message is this – as I am growing spiritually, I have learnt to become more patient and accepting. But at the same time I don’t want to sacrifice my tenacity and assertive nature. And I don’t have to; I just always have to find the best way, the balance.

I met a lady much later that day that was stuck (seemingly) in that same traffic jam, and she told me it had spoilt her whole day. I had to pity her as by that time I had long forgotten about it. It still only is a traffic jam, not worth ruining six, seven, eight subsequent hours, or what?

Oh, so how did I balance it? I am not sure if I had. But I made a point of telling the “offenders” to wait or signalled to them to get in behind me. Of course they didn’t all obey and most only drove further ahead and pushed in there, but some did actually “oblige” - which of course still upset the person behind me! (I smiled broadly at one gentleman, signalling he could fall in behind me like I was doing him the biggest favour in the world!). And I paid closer attention to “gaps” and actually as I started moving saw a few that I could take - without being rude.

But I had time to reflect again and learn more. About how this affects my life, the constant balance between being forceful and allowing. And actually it served me, as another synchronicity happened when I arrived at my destination, which probably would not have happened had I arrived earlier (more about that one later!). 

But for now my message remains one about being about the “best way”. And isn’t that apt for describing a driving incident!

Love and light,

Celeste

Holistic awareness

Those of you who read my blog and facebook posts regularly, will know how important the spiritual aspect is to me in finding true joy, true wellness, and true abundance. I call it “Get Your ZEST Back” – being that happy, peaceful, passionate YOU that comes from authentically living your purpose from within and making the most of it. To me, my spirit is the essence of me, but the total me has a body, mind and emotions too. That’s why I address the concepts of holistic health, inner wellness, and alignment of body, mind, spirit and emotions.

When you truly get to know yourself holistically (a word that has been horribly misinterpreted and thrown around, but that aside) - you being to understand more about the blockages that may prevent you from living that ZEST.

But how?? I believe in opening and balancing energies throughout all planes. I have found that there is no one solution or one single answer, a ‘ten steps to happiness’ or the ‘ABC of true abundance’-approach, but that the process is an agile, dynamic, evolutionary and holistic one.

Let me illustrate as an example:

This week I have had a few negative emotions to deal with – mainly anger, which turned into resentment, withdrawal, more anger, anxiety, more resentment, a bit of guilt, more anger….you get my drift? I was also paying close attention to my thoughts, and being aware where it manifested in my body. At times I just “let it all out”, at times I connected with nature (my personal energy replenisher) and overcame part of it, and at times I put a shield of false protection up around me. I went through some of my practices with vigour (meditation, journaling, reading), and neglected others (exercise, gratefulness, compassion). At times I was proud of myself, and at times I wanted to put my head in a hole and bury myself with shame. But I let it be and basically let it ride out.

Did it help? Oh yes! Not so much in alleviating the issues (still dealing with that), but being in touch with myself holistically is making it easier to identify, address and move on to releasing this particular issue. Hey, for sure judgement still comes up, and anger and resentment, but I believe I am becoming better equipped to deal with it. Or to at least to recognise the source and impact of it (both are important!). 

I had this need to go to a meditative yoga class this morning – despite another commitment – and chose the yoga. I had to feel and work through the blockages in my body and energy centers. It was the right choice. I tried not to judge myself where I felt tightness but just tried to be aware of it as part of what I have been (and partly still is) holding onto this week. Yes and I am acknowledging my own success in being able to let go and not judge myself (for the most part!).

All towards getting back – and keeping – my ZEST J

Love and light,

Celeste

The author has developed a personal nine module approach to address these which forms fart of her coaching toolkit. 

Dig deep

I often finish my blog posts with the words “whoever said personal growth was easy”. Today I want to explore this concept a bit further. Some may think that I am being negative in saying this, that when we do something that truly fulfills us everything would be easy, and that we wouldn’t mind discomfort if we are living our dreams. That may or may not be true, but I am talking about the journey.  

So we know that in order to achieve a goal or reach a destination we need to know exactly where we are. But if we talk about personal growth - or transformation - we also need to know exactly who we are. The road past is through it, and for that we need to understand the “self”. I often ask clients to describe themselves, and I’ve come to realise that very few of us truly know and understand who we are. I’m not even at the point of accepting or loving ourselves; I am merely at the point of understanding or connecting. Oh we describe what we do, we describe personality traits, and we are often good at describing who or what we are not, but very few of us can go deep within and connect with our true selves. See, it takes guts to do this. It means we might have to face fears, or shadows of ourselves that we have chosen to hide or bury. It means we might have to get uncomfortable and step out of our known, comfortable world.

I love the topic of freedom – freeing yourself from attachments and thought patterns that are holding you back. But you have to accept that the moment you are “free”, – then you take responsibility. Then there is nothing or no-one to blame! Yes, the road to freedom might take more guts than what we care to admit.

So the first step is to take full responsibility for your own growth. A “journey” like this may at times be hard or uncomfortable. The human mind is conditioned to remember the good times. How many times has something seemed really hard when you were doing it, but afterwards you don’t quite recall how “bad” it was? I used to do long-distance running. Many times whilst I was suffering from fatigue, I would swear NEVER to “do this to myself” again. Yet, soon afterwards – sometimes very soon, I would only remember the euphoria and even though the physical pain and exhaustion would still be very fresh, somehow it would pale and I would only remember the positive. This is because the human mind is created for survival. If we had to remember only the pain, we would rarely exert any real effort. Instinct makes us remember the pleasure or the reward, so we are inclined to repeat it – regardless of the apparent suffering at the time.

The problem is that it is during times of apparent discomfort or when the road gets hard that we give up. When it gets too uncomfortable, when emotions arise that we would rather not face, when there is work to do – facing stuff and changing it. It is easy for life to get in the way of true personal transformation.

True fulfillment is worth it. But be prepared to go all out. Wishy-washy effort is going to get you wishy-washy results. To get the most out of your personal journey, you need to be prepared to dig deep, even if it is uncomfortable. When you peel the onion and peel away layers, your eyes are likely to water. But only during the peeling. It will clear once the onion has been peeled.

Yes, personal growth may not always be easy, but it is so worth it!

Love and light,

Celeste

Toast and Marmite

Sometimes I have so many ideas in my head, not knowing which one to write about. And sometimes no idea comes. This evening I was somewhere in the middle - feeling the urge to write but not really knowing what about. I closed my eyes for a minute and imagined a piece of toast with Marmite (a kind of yeast-spread for the non-South Africans, similar to Vegemite for the Aussies). Strange? Yes. I am not craving toast with Marmite, never had. As a child, we got toast and Marmite when we were sick, as that was often all we could stomach when feeling unwell. When I was healthy, I wouldn't touch it because of the association, but when I felt poorly, I had to have it. Then it was nourishment.

So no, it's not really strange that it came to mind this evening, seeing that I'm sitting in a hospital writing this, visiting my dad. So my association this evening is not a piece of dry, hard bread with a yucky-ish yeast spread on top of it, but a symbol of nourishment.

And that brings me with what has been my personal topic of the week - clarity and vision. When we step back from something, it has a different meaning. It seizes to be what it appears to be at the time, but it becomes what we need to see, or what lies behind it.

I'm seeing nourishment and an outcome this evening, not yucky hospital food. And it doesn't need to be physical nourishment, in fact, I doubt it is. That doesn't matter. It is how you choose to see it. I could choose to view the sight of the piece of toast as "Oh, no wonder as I'm amongst sick people", or "May there always be hope for something better if things are going badly".

I don't know how this will end. But tonight I choose to see it as nourishment, not sick-bay food.

Love and light,

Celeste